You & I

Nights like tonight are the ones I loathe. The ones where I sit and think, which is never a good thing. I think about you and I, how hurt I am by your abandonment. I think about the impending holiday season, one of the worst times of the year for me. I think about how lonely I feel every day. And it just sucks.

I'm so tired of being this whiny, angry person. It's not who I am, nor is it who I've ever been. I just want to be okay again, back to the person I used to be. And I know there's a few steps I have to take before I can get there. So, I'm just going to write all of these feelings towards all of these people down, and we're going to leave it at that.

Of course, I'm not going to reveal exactly who these posts are about, that would ruin the fun of it all. ;)

Without further adieu:

1) You turned out to be just who everyone said you would. I feel so completely stupid for thinking that this time would be different. I hate that you were the last person I kissed and I still flash back to that time all the time. I miss you and I hate myself for it. Most of all, I hate that you're with a girl when you clearly have no clue who or what you want. I just really, really hate that I can't just stay mad at you and forget all about the summer we shared. The memories sting every single day.

2) You're a selfish, conniving, evil person. I know that what happened wasn't just your fault, but it wasn't just mine either. We both turned into different people, and I hated the person you became. Our downfall was a long time coming and you're only upset because I was the one who ended our 'friendship' first. I hate that you're the one with the boyfriend and the friends yet you're a cheater and you're self righteous. You don't deserve anything you have, and you certainly didn't deserve my friendship.

There, the two people who have caused me the most heartache as of late have heard what I have to say. It's time I try my best to put this all in the past where it belongs and carry on.

Your Love Is My Drug (And That's Not A Good Thing)

One step forward, two steps back. It's a phrase we're all familiar with, something we've heard since we were born. And, ever since I've heard it, it seems to be the most applicable phrase to my life at this point.

Sure, I've grown. I've become more of a leader, I've become more comfortable with who I am, and I've even become more confident than ever before. However, with these giant steps forward must also come these even bigger steps back.

Of course, what's the one area that I always seem to have these steps back in? You guessed it, the guy department. It's as if I've been dating or falling for the exact same guy since I was 16. The 'I may or may not be gay but let's makeout anyway' guy. The 'I like you, but I just can't come out' guy. Or, my personal favorite, the 'I need a good ego stroking so I need you to do it for me' guy.

I've got them all down pat, every story always the same. So why is it so hard for me to let them go? No, I know exactly why. I'm addicted. No, not to heroine or crack or anything scary like that. This, my friends, is much scarier. I'm addicted to these highs and lows. To the exquisite pain of wanting the unattainable and wanting a challenge. It's my own personal love drug, one I'm just not willing to let go.

Which is why I can't continue placing the blame on all of these guys. They may be partially to blame, but I'm not innocent here either. I invite them in and I let them take advantage of me knowing full well how this song and dance plays out.

Funny thing is, the reason for doing this and the problem here are both the same: Love. That's all I've ever wanted since I was a young boy. For someone to care. It's the reason I continually put myself out there and risk it all, continuing to get burned by the flames over and over again. The problem and the answer to everything.

So, maybe it's a crapshoot. You take the good and you take the bad....or maybe I just need love rehab.

Random thoughts.

I've been told that things happen for a reason and I've tried so hard to keep believing that but lately, that's all falling apart. Everything seems to be going wrong and I don't have a clue how to stop it. I have faced so much in my 20 short years on this earth and they've all made me strong, but I just don't know how to get past this.

This frustration, anger, and sadness that I'm holding inside is starting to slowly spill out and it's affecting the relationships I have with everyone around me. And I don't want to be the person who loses everything and everyone, I won't be that person. It's just difficult trying to figure out how long I should truly hold on for. When do I know it's time to give up? And without any clear answer, how can I actually make that decision?

I don't know if I can make it right, or if I should, and that's the hardest part about all of this.

Decisions, decisions.

Things I've Learned This Semester (So Far)

- I hate rocks and anything to do with my Geology course.

- 8AM is far too early for me to be functioning, but I'm slowly getting used to it.

- Sometimes you just have to rescue yourself.

- Everything changes, but most of the time that's for the best.

- I metaphorically stick my finger into the light socket again and again, according to my roommate. I'm starting to think he's right.

- 15 hours of classes and 20 hours working is going to make for one interesting semester.

- I know EVERYONE on campus, but I love it.

- Random late nights spent with my friends make me happy like no other.

- Steak N Shake has the best milkshakes of all time.

- I even bowl gay.

That's all for now. I'm sure I'll add more later.

Playing With Fire (Again and Again)

Although I've been out of high school for quite some time now, I can't help but feel like every situation in college has mirrored what I've faced before. They say history repeats itself, and I couldn't agree more. Each guy I've liked, for the most part, is the exact same guy but with a different face. Sure, they may have differences but the general consensus is one that I seem to be attracted to every time: The 'bad boy'. Maybe I'm wrong here or maybe I'm overanalyzing, but could it be that I'm just not learning from my mistakes at all? Maybe I'm doomed to this life of falling for a 'bad boy' or a guy who I feel like I can fix or help or whatever it is that I see in all these people I've fallen for. Or maybe one day I'll finally wake up and realize that I can't 'fix' them and it's time to find a guy who's stable enough to be in a relationship. Or at least comfortable with who he is and who isn't afraid to share that with the world.

I deserve so much than what these guys have given me (AKA nothing) and I've got to start focusing on what I need, rather than what I think I want. It's time I work on finding someone who will actually care about me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. The only problem is taking that first big step, but I'm confident I can do just that.

I'm finally on my way...at least I hope so.

Unapologize.

Throughout my years of liking people, others have always told me that someone is out there for me, someone great. A guy who will swoop in on his horse and realize he's madly in love with me and we'll live happily ever after and all that stuff. Well, I think it's time to call those people's bluffs because it clearly isn't happening; at least not now, anyway. I know we've all had those moments where we look at our friends who are in relationships and we wish so desperately that this would be us, I know I've been there. Or that realization where you look at your life and wish you had someone there to share it with you. And that's really starting to be in the forefront of my mind, as of late.

It all started a few weeks ago. There's this guy, one completely different than any of the other guys I've liked in my past. He's sweet, cares about others, listens to what I have to say, and I know I could trust him. But my life always comes with a twist, this one being that he's straight. You'd think the big man upstairs would get just a little more creative with that whole thing by now, given my history but I digress. Anyway, I really felt like we were bonding and things were going good.

Then came Wednesday during my public speaking class. My impromptu speech topic was to give qualities I liked in a mate. As you can imagine, the timing couldn't have been more coincidental. And, when I gave this speech, all I thought about was him. So, with a bit of courage, I finally told him last night.

He and I finally got to get things off of our chest that we've both wanted to and it was a really special night, even if things didn't exactly turn out how I want them to. Life may be about rolling with the punches, but sometimes they aren't punches at all. Sometimes they're blessings in disguise.

College Life, Part 2.

It's been quite a long time since I've posted on here. And let me tell you, life has changed a lot since that last update. I'm now a sophomore at EKU and we're already 2 weeks into college classes. I'm already back in that lethargic 'i don't care' mood with some of these classes, which definitely isn't a good thing. It's just, between going to class, doing homework, and having a life outside of all that, things get pretty crazy.

The first two weeks have gone by pretty quickly though, as is typical with the first semester. It's always the second that seems to drag on. Justin and I have completely moved into the dorm, which is SO much better than it was last year. We even have a sink! Ha. He and I still get along really well, which still amazes me, considering how different we both are. But maybe that's the best thing about it, that we aren't just alike. Kind of a learning experience, I guess.

This year, I feel like I've grown up significantly from freshman year. I feel a bit wiser and, of course, older. Seeing freshmen run around campus aimlessly still amuses me and reminds me of myself when I started here. Mollie's boyfriend Chad is here now and we all actually get along very well. Another surprising thing to add to this year, considering he's a mormon and I'm gay. Yet we still learn to put our extreme differences aside and be friends.

Still no love life, which is really starting to be difficult to handle. It's like something inside of me tells me it's time to find someone, yet they never seem to show up. I'm trying to hold on to that faith, but it's difficult. I've waited 19 years and still nothing has happened. I'll try to give it more time. That's all I can do, really.

With that, I better get going. I have a meeting about applying for the social work program, tons of reading to do, and heading to Lexington. <3